Observation vs Reaction

It is sometimes difficult not to react when something or someone affects us in an emotionally negative way, especially since human reaction is

a fast, instinctual almost guttural or automatic behavior. Some people call it a primitive or reptilian brain response, which is about self-protection. To realize how important it is to observe what is happening rather than react to what is happening will help you grow. When we are in reactive mode, we tend to express fear, guilt, anger etc. When we are in observer mode, or when we feel safe and non-threatened, our reaction is calmer and more serene. Reaction is a conscious and learned choice. Observing allows us to take the time to consider where the actions, words, feelings, or behavior is coming from. It is usually a place of hurt within the person producing the behavior. The phrase “hurt people hurt people” is so true. To do the inner work required to heal whatever is within you that is still hurting you, is not easy, but it is necessary if you want to evolve into a more enlightened being. This means taking the time to feel what you are feeling and trying to determine the root cause of why you are feeling it. It takes a desire to improve oneself and a desire to understand others. It takes an open mind as opposed to a need to be right. It takes remembering that everything is about understanding, and perspective and that to understand yourself and others, you need to be aware of what needs to be healed within you. This kind of inner work can take many years, but it helps to know when you are being triggered, whether intentionally or not, so that you can stop and realize why you were triggered, allowing you to look at and heal whatever it is. Let’s say, for example, that your partner or friend does something that makes you feel anxious and unworthy, like putting their hand up in your face, in the “stop” motion, as you’re speaking to them. This upsets you specifically because in your past, someone you had a relationship with (a parent, a sibling, child, husband, wife, friend etc.) was abusive to you and used to do this same thing. You escaped the past situation, but it “left a mark” so to speak. The previous person always used to put their hand in your face and sometimes hit you with it. Even though you removed yourself from this past person’s life, the innocent person of today, who simply meant to say, hold on or wait a second, while may be considered rude, it was not abusive nor was it meant to be abusive, but it triggered you, giving you a similar and intense reaction to the fear you felt in the past. A quick, triggered reaction could be slapping their hand out of your face and becoming terribly upset at them. An observant reaction might be to stop a moment, realize that you have been triggered, and consider why you are feeling this way. Why do you feel triggered? Once you see that you are reacting this way out of reaction to past trauma, you can pause to realize that your reaction was inappropriate in this current situation. You can see that the current person meant you no physical harm. Your anxious feelings will subside as you understand why you are feeling triggered, so now you can adjust your reaction and perhaps let it go, or say, it bothers me when you put your hand in my face, would you mind not doing that please? Things will probably go a lot more smoothly all the way around.

You realized where you needed some boundaries to feel safe and therefore you simply asked the person politely not to put their hand in your face, rather than quickly reacting by slapping it out of your face, which may in turn trigger the other person. This was all avoided by observing what was happening, why it made you feel the way it did, and thinking of a gentler way to set your boundary while not offending the other person because you now realize that they meant you no harm.

It takes practice and thought, but the more you take the time to observe rather than react, the more you will find yourself handling situations in a more positive manner with a more positive outcome. Do not judge yourself, just notice yourself and your reactions without judging why you’re reacting as you are. Accept what is and respond intentionally. “Being the change you want to see in others”, is a way of mastering yourself, your emotions and your reactions. The compassion you show to others and yourself, will help everyone involved understand, listen, and appreciate the other persons perspective. Learning how to intentionally respond to people and events rather than instinctively react to them will give you a greater feeling of self-control which will increase your self-mastery.